Golden Rings and Golden Oldies
by mulberry
Summary: Finally, finally, finally I update, two at once this time! And I just realised that there were 20 rings in all, and I now have 20 songs. Is this the end? Review and tell me yea or nay!
1. It's Not Unusual

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Author's Note: I don't own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters therein. Damn. You know, these things get really repetitive. We know that none of us out here are Tolkien. Hey I know!  
NEW Author's Note: I am JRR Tolkien, I have been reincarnated as a short Canadian girl with an obsession for old music. Therefor all these characters are mine. Mine mine MINE!  
Much better. More fun and more interesting. But, I do have to tell you that by no stretch of the imagination do I own Tom Jones. sigh. 

About this "fic": I enjoy re-writing the words to songs. That should be enough explanation, along with the fact that I am completely obsessed with LotR. To all purist-type people who don't enjoy things like this (but why would you be reading this then?) I am going to do non-parody stuff. Just let me get my brain together. I lost it somewhere. PS: there's at least one more where this came from.  
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--(We see Gollum sneaking up behind Frodo at Mt.Doom. With every move we can see his need for secrecy. He is stalking his prey, and must not be heard. But, we (with the power of the boom mic.) can hear him hissing to himself. We can't quiet make out the words, but then, suddenly, he jumps up on to a rock and somehow there is a spotlight on him. He starts to sing, while dancing with some very odd pelvic thrust movements)--  
_(the Orc Band starts up, jumping out from behind a rock starring Shagrat and Gorbag* on trumpets!)_

It's not unusual to be possessed by a ring.  
It's not unusual to obsessed by a ring.  
But if anyone ever stole my precious thing,  
It's not unusual to hear me cry  
"You're gonna die."

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--(Frodo and Sam start clapping a long with Gollum and the Orc Band)--

It's not unusual to seek for the Precious  
It's not unusual to sneak for the Precious  
If I should ever want to find that Baggins,  
It's not unusual to track him all the day  
No matter what they say  
You'll find me following the whole time

He will never do  
What I want him to  
Why can't that precious thing be mine?

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--(During the musical interlude Frodo and Gollum start dancing on the edge of the Crack of Doom. Wild crazy dancing! Look at those guys go! Twirling and whiling each other. Meanwhile, Sam runs up to the band and taps Shagrat on the shoulder. Shagrat smiles and hands Sam his trumpet. Sam plays the instrumental solo.)--

It's not unusual to try to save the little ring  
It's not unusual, look what I gave for the ring  
And now I've got my little Precious for all time,  
It's not unusual to find I'm falling into Doom…

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--(Gollum and Frodo's dancing got a bit too wild, on the triple lutz Gollum lost his grip on Frodo's hand and falls into the Crackssss of Doom, bringing the ring with him.)--

Whoa whoa whoa whoa…………!

Play it again Sam! _(sorry, couldn't resist that one!)_

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*I know they're long gone by now, but give me a break. I didn't feel like creating some orcs. J 


	2. What's New Saruman?

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Hello, I don't own Tom Jones (I didn't in the first chapter either…) or any of the various Tolkien creations abused (but I still love them!) in this song, which is coincidentally "What's New Pussycat?"

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--(Gandalf and company are off to Orthanc to see their old friend Saruman. The walk up to the bottom of the tower. Gandalf calls out in his great, commanding voice)--

What's new Saruman? Whoa whoa whoooooa  
What's new Saruman? Whoa whoa whooooooooooa

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--(Merry and Pippin do back up on the 'whoa whoa whooooa's, and Treebeard gets the Ent band out there!)--

Saruman, Saruman   
I've got entses,  
They're building fences  
Around your tower.  
So go and consult your palantir.

Saruman, Saruman,  
My mistake,   
it's in this lake,  
You and your palantir.

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--(Pippin goes to fetch the palantir, and comes back dancing with it. He and Merry weave juggling the palantir into their dance/back-up singer routine) --

What's new Saruman, whoa whoa whooooa?  
What's new Saruman, whoa whoa whoooooooa? 

Saruman, Saruman,   
I broke your staff,  
What a laugh,   
look at you!  
So go wash out your colourful tie-dyed robes.

Saruman, Saruman,  
We'll leave you  
You've lost your crew.  
You and your Orthanc tower.

What's new Saruman, whoa whoa whooooa?  
What's new Saruman, whoa whoa whoooooooa?

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--(Saruman comes out and tries to use his hypnotic voice on them all. They can't hear him over Treebeard grooving on saxophone.)--

Saruman, Saruman,  
You're losing touch,  
You've said too much,   
it doesn't work!  
We'll soon be riding away with our minds at peace.

Saruman, Saruman,  
You can't escape,  
It's too late,  
You and your stubborn will.  
You and your palantir.  
You and your colourful robes.


	3. The Halfling

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Author's notes: This is a nice little story song. Unfortunately isn't wasn't long enough so I had to gloss over the end of FotR, all of TTT and RotK in 2 verses, so don't flame me for leaving out your favourite bit. And I also know there are some inaccuracies, but I was going for the best rhymes. So sue me. Speaking of suing me, I don't own Tolkien's wonderful characters or the Irish Rovers who originally sang this song. But they called it "The Unicorn". No one in particular sings this song, just a random narrator. 

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A long time ago when the earth was green,  
There were more kinds of races than you've ever seen,  
They ran around free didn't care about the ring,  
But the jolliest of them all were the Halflings.

There were dirty old dwarves and elves over there,  
Some beardy-weardy wizards and Isildur's heir,  
Some orcs and ents and oliphaunts, but it's a sure thing,  
The happiest of them all were the Halflings.

Now Elrond saw the ring and it gave him pain,  
And He said "Who's going to take Isildur's bane?"  
He said "Gandalf you're the man, you won't take no lip,  
You lead the Fellowship. And take some of them...

Dirty old dwarves and that elf over there,  
A big tough warrior and Isildur's heir,  
You'll meet some orcs and ents and oliphaunts, but don't forget one thing,  
The most important of them all are the Halflings."

Well Gandalf took heed and led them away,  
And he took them up Caradhras and in the snow there they lay.  
They marched back down the mountain through the snow,  
The mines of Moria were the way to go. With the…

Dirty old dwarf and the elf over there,  
Big tough warrior and Isildur's heir,  
They met some wargs, crebain and watchers, but they didn't get the ring,  
It was protected by a halfling.

Well Gandalf looked around, they were locked inside,  
The Fellowship were scared, and all trying to hide.  
The Took started a drumming and a splashing down the well,  
Oh that silly Halfling.

The dirty old dwarf and the elf over there,  
A big tough warrior and Isildur's heir,  
They fought some orcs and trolls and balrogs, (that might have wings),  
And Gandalf left the halflings.

Well the Fellowship was sundered, they drifted with the tide.  
Two halflings went to Mordor and destroyed the ring as Gollum cried.  
And the eagles came down and sort of flew them away,  
And that's why the Halflings are free this very day.

You'll see dirty old dwarves and elves over there,  
Some beardy-weardy wizards and Isildur's heir,  
Some orcs and ents and oliphaunts, but it's a sure thing,  
The fattest of them all are the Halflings.


	4. Only Tooks Rush In

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Author's Note: Okay, I HAVE read the books (many, many times) but this song just worked so much better when I was thinking of the movie. So we have a movie-verse song. That, by the way doesn't belong to me. Just as I don't own the Fellowship (damn) I don't own the song "Only Fools Rush In" or Elvis either. (double damn))

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--(At the council of Elrond, Frodo has volunteered to take the ring to Mordor. In the stunned silence that follows, no one knows what to say. But someone does; Pippin runs out of the shadows to sing…)--

Wise men say, only Tooks rush in  
But I can't help, going on this quest with you

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--(Merry and Sam run up and put their arms around Pippin as the three sing in perfect harmony)--

Shall we stay?  
That would be a sin.  
'Cause we can't help going on this quest with you.

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--(Aragorn decides to get his two cents in)--

Like the Nazgul ride, searching for the ring  
To Frodo I am tied, someday I will be king.

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--(Legolas and Gimli put their arms around each other and sway while singing)--

Take my bow, take my axe too  
For we can't help, going on this quest with you.

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--(Boromir comes up and sings, but his warrior gear has magically been changed into an Elvis outfit)--

With you I will go, you're a tiny thing  
I'll give my horn a blow, I think I want that ring…

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--(Gandalf stands up and sings into the top of his staff, very dramatically)--

Fell-ow-ship, I will le-ead you  
For I can't help going on this quest with you.

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--(The eight of the Fellowship get down on one knee and sing to Frodo)--

For we can't help going on this quest with you.

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--(Frodo bursts into tears.)--

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Yay… you can't leave Elvis out of anything that calls itself "Golden Oldies" so there we are. The obligatory Elvis song. It also happens to be one I like, which is a plus. Oh what to do next…any suggestions? Put them in the review you're going to write right now! 


	5. You've Lost the One Ring

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Author's Note: Hi, I don't own Gollum or Sauron, and I can't honestly say I'm sorry about that. I mean who'd want a split-personality sneak, and THE Dark Lord running around their house? I know I wouldn't. I also don't own "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" or the Righteous Brothers. Not even on CD! But enough from me, and on with the fun.

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--(Orc captain singing to the empty helm of Sauron)--

You never battle here any more   
We've got no fighting tips  
And there's no evil power like before  
In your fingertips  
You're trying hard not to show it,  
But Sauron, Sauron I know it

You've lost the One Ring  
Oh, that One Ring  
You've lost the One Ring  
Now it's gone, gone, gone  
Whoa-oh

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--(We flash forward into the future to Gollum, on his rock, shortly after the visit of one Bilbo Baggins, singing (more like hissing!) to himself in that weird third-person way he has of talking. The fishesss are sssinging back-up)--

Now there's no Precious  
In the cave when we reach for you  
And we needs it for all the  
little things we do  
It makes us just feel like crying,  
'Cause Precious, we is hungry and dying

We've lost our One Ring  
Oh that One Ring  
Bring Precious' One Ring  
Now it's gone, gone, gollum  
And we can't go on  
No-oh-oh

Precious, Precious we gets down on our knees for you  
Déagol gave us you on our birthday too…  
We had a ring  
A ring, a ring you don't find every day  
So don't...don't...don't let Baggins slip away

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--(Sauron and Gollum are magically in the same place, singing, and dancing with their mic stands)--

One Ring, (One Ring),  
I need your power, (I need your power)  
Bring back that One Ring  
Oh, that One Ring  
Bring back that One Ring  
Now it's gone...gone...gone...  
And we can't go on...  
No-oh-oh...


	6. Khazad-dum

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Author's Note: As per request, some ABBA. I know, I know, it wasn't the one you requested Snickers, and I'm sorry. So sorry. But, I find it easiest to do this to songs I know really well, otherwise I just find the words somewhere and go with syllables, but that doesn't work out most of the time. So, instead of "Knowing Me, Knowing You" we have everyone's favourite dwarf singing a (strange) version of "Dancing Queen"! And if you're wondering why it's Gimli, I have noticed that there is a distinct lack of Gimli fics out there. So this is my first step on the road to righting that wrong.

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--(We see an ecstatic Gimli after Gandalf has suggests going through the mines. Legolas asks Gimli "What's so special about that nasty mine anway?" Gimli looks shocked, then bursts into song)--

Dwarves can build, Dwarves can mine, having the time of their life  
See that dwarf watch him dig in Khazad-dûm!

Up on Caradhras in the snow,  
The mines of Moria are the way to go.  
Fellowship won't have to worry about a thing  
Balin is there; the mine's new king.  
He'll greet us with a great big feast  
No worries about nasty beasts  
We can stay for a while and refresh in the mine  
This will show the elf my race  
He will learn to like that place

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--(Gimli's back-up dwarves pop up out of the snow and start singing along. The rest of the Fellowship tries to figure out where all these short, dirty people came from. The peak of Carahdras, being covered in snow and ice, starts acting like a disco ball.)--

Down in the Khazad-dûm, Durin built with lots of room.  
Khazad-dûm, Moria in the Western tongue oh yeah  
Dwarves can build, dwarves can mine, having the time of their life  
See that dwarf, watch him dig in Khazad-dûm!

We dug for mithril with old Nain  
And then he was killed by Durin's bane.  
Now we don't know what that was, it might not be true  
You're in the mood for a feast  
Let's see Balin at least!

Down in the Khazad-dûm, Durin built with lots of room.  
Khazad-dûm, Moria in the Western tongue oh yeah  
Dwarves can build, dwarves can mine, having the time of their life  
See that dwarf, watch him dig in Khazad-dûm!  
Dig in the Khazad-dûm!

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--(Gimli finishes and the back-up dwarves disappear. He looks pleased with himself, and looks around at the rest of the fellowship. Gandalf says: "Well, through the mines it is then!")--


	7. Born to be Shire

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Author's Note: Yes, I'm still going, it's like the Energizer bunny over at this end of the computer. I listen to the radio, a song comes on, and BOOM! A new song is born. This is just to say I don't own any of Tolkien's wonderful creations. And I don't have to say I don't own the song, cause this isn't a parody of "Born to be Wild" by Steppenwolf. It is a parody of a parody I wrote last year for the school choir, called "Born to be Choir". THAT one was a parody of "Born to Be Wild" by Steppenwolf. 

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--(We see a gang of hobbits on….ponies (I couldn't do it, I couldn't put them on Harleys!) They are singing, as hobbits do. But then our ears start working, and we hear what they are singing.)--

Get your pony running  
Headin' out to Bag End  
Lookin' for old Bilbo  
Read that old book he's penned.

Yeah, Hobbits, gonna make it happen  
Take a trip down to Michel Delving  
Gotta check out the Smials and  
See the Westfarthing

I like smoking pipeweed   
Heavy meals o'mushrooms!  
Eatin' second breakfast  
Round windows in all rooms

Yeah, Hobbits, gonna make it happen  
Goin' down to the Green Dragon  
Hopin' the barkeeper there will  
Fill up our flagons.

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--(We see some happy hobbits in a pub, with full flagons. That come in pints!)--

Like a true Hobbit's child_  
_We were born, born to be Shire  
We don't build so high  
I never want to die  
Born to be Shire  
Born to be Shire

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--(in the instrumental, our hobbit friends are shaking their groove things. Frodo gets up and plays some mean solo guitar. Pippin's on drums, Sam's on the bass, and Merry's got his guitar out too. All of course, wearing little leather jackets and boots. Maybe a ripped T-shirt or two as well. Oh and big hair. Can't forget the big (foot) hair. Mwahahahaha)--
    
    Get your legs a movin'  
    
    Goin' to see the Maggots!  
    
    Lives out in the Marish.  
    
    He's got mushrooms, corn and carrots!

Yeah, hobbits, gonna make it happen  
Lay the table with lots to eat  
Smoke a pipe or two after lunch  
Then go comb our feet.  


Like a true Hobbit's child  
We were born, born to be Shire  
We don't build too high  
I never want to die  
Born to be Shire  
Born to be Shire


	8. Do-Wah Diddy Diddy

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Author's Note: What would a Tolkien thing be without Bombadil? Well, for starters it would be the movie, but we won't go there. When choosing a Tom song, I knew it had to be one that had crazy words like this. I had many choices, including "Da Doo Ron Ron", "Ob La Di Ob La Da" or "Do Wah Diddy Diddy". I went with the Diddy. I don't own Tom, this song, or Manfred Mann. I'd like to dedicate this to all those out there whole think Bombadil should've been in the movie! Or at least on the DVD!

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--(The Hobbits are explaining what happened in the Old Forest to Gandalf. Frodo and Sam start out. They have a fancy dance routine worked out too!)--

There he was just a-walkin' through the trees  
Singin' do-wah diddy-diddy dum diddy-do  
Talkin' in rhyme and chatting with bees  
Singin' do-wah diddy-diddy down diddy-do  
Yellow boots, blue coat,  
Yellow boots, blues coat and it was Tom Bombadil

Before we knew it he was talkin' to the tree  
Singin' do-wah diddy-diddy dum diddy-do  
Got Pip and Merry back as natural as can be  
Singin' do-wah diddy-diddy dum diddy-do  
We walked on to his door,  
we walked on to his door  
Then we walked a little more

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--(Pippin and Merry join in with Sam and Frodo. Gandalf watches, looking surprised at first, but then he starts tapping his staff in time. Pretty soon he is groovin'!)--

Wo-o-o-o we knew we were in for a meal  
Yes we did, then we saw Goldberry and  
We couldn't believe it was real!

Then he saved us from the Barrow Downs  
Singin' do-wah diddy-diddy dum diddy-do  
We're so glad that we're out of those gowns   
Singin' do-wah diddy-diddy dum diddy-do

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--(Tom pops out of nowhere, like usual, startles the hobbits and Gandalf, then finishes the song)--

I was cut, I'm gone  
I'm cut, all gone, I'm just left to sing this song!  
Singin' do-wah diddy-diddy dum diddy-do  
Do-wah diddy-diddy dum diddy-do,  
Do-wah diddy-diddy dum diddy-do.

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--(Tom disappears into a puff of smoke.)--


	9. I Will Provide

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Author's Note: This one goes out to Lionel Dark! Well, it wasn't a hard choice as to who should sing this one. Not if you've seen "Priscilla: Queen of the Desert" as many times as I have. Mwahahaha... At some points in the movie, I did find it hard looking at Elrond, because all I saw was Mitzi. But I thought Hugo Weaving did a really great job. Although, Mitzi would've worn those robes a tad shorter. Oh, and now for the list of what I don't own: Tolkien's characters, Hugo Weaving, "Priscilla: Queen of the Desert", the song "I Will Survive" and Gloria Gaynor. 

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--(We see Elrond at the council meeting, about to address the different races gathered there. Suddenly he rips aside his long robes to reveal...a Priscilla outfit! Yeah! Sequins, feathers, tights and everything. Oh, and the funky shoes, can't forget the funky shoes. But now the question is: is he lip-synching or not? Only you can tell.)--

At first I was afraid, I was trembling   
When Gandalf said he was comin' here with this ring;   
But then I spent so many nights   
Thinkin' 'bout the evil it did   
And then I hid 

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--(Elrond jumps up, points at Gandalf and sings the next bit to the very confused wizard)-- 

And so you're back, from Saruman's tower  
I just walked in to hear you say there's a council in an hour.   
I should have not let you inside   
I would have turned away the ring   
If I'd've known for just one second you'd send a halfling! 

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--(He turns from Gandalf and faces the whole Fellowship, also looking very confuzzled)-- 

Go on now, go on your quest   
Just turn around now   
('cause) you're a bunch of smelly pests   
Weren't you the ones who told me "Tell us what to do?"   
Did I council?   
Did you think I'd come with you?   
Oh no, not I.   
I will provide!  
Even though that I'm immortal and I'll always be alive   
I'll help you pack your pack   
I don't want you coming back, so I'll provide!   
I will provide!. Hey hey. 

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--(In the instrumental, all Elrond's Rivendell elves come out and start loading up Bill and the Fellowship with packs and bags and everything else. The elves are all, of course, dancing.)-- 

It took all the elves I had to prepare your stuff   
Kept tryin' hard not to put in sentimental fluff   
And I spent oh so many nights   
Just wondering to myself: Where's the rope?   
Oh I forgot it with the soap!   
And you see me: waving bye! _--(at this point the elves have pushed the Fellowship out the door and are all lined up, waving in unison)-- _  
And when you're there make sure you tell Haldir I say hi!   
And if you feel like droppin' in,   
If you think you're coming back,   
Don't use that dumb excuse that you've forgotten Gimli's pack!   
Go on now, go, leave Rivendell   
Don't turn around now   
('cause) my elves will give you hell.   
Weren't you the ones who wanted my advice?   
Well here's some more:   
That mountain's cold as ice! 

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--(the Fellowship have turned into little blobs on the horizon, as the elves turn back towards home)-- 

Oh yeah, yeah I, 

I did provide!   
Oh I know I said that I could pay, but now I say I've lied   
The bank'll give me heck   
And then when I wrote that check, I almost died!   
I think I'll hide. Hey hey.... 

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--(Elrond and the elves walk back inside, saddened at this thought of their bank account. As we pan away, we hear the song start back up again at the joy of being rid of all those smelly Fellowship people)-- 

--(cut to a shot of the Fellowship stopped on their journey away from Rivendell)-- 

Merry asked Gandalf; "Do all elves dress like that under their robes?" 

Gandalf replied: "I have been with elves for many hundreds of years now, and I have never seen that happen before. What say you, Aragorn?" 

"I have lived in Rivendell, and never before have I seen that happen. I believe it may be the evil influence of the ring in such a pure place. Surely Legolas would know?" He turned to Legolas. 

Legolas answered "Of course not all elves dress like that under their robes fools!" The Fellowship look contented at that answer and start to walk away. As they do, we hear Legolas finishing his sentence very quietly: "It'd make us look fat unless we had robes as puffy as Elrond's." Sam's keen hobbit ears heard that, and he turns around to see a small pink feather attached to a sequin fall out of Legolas' pack. 

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And now a behind the scenes feature!! 

I did this in the University computer lab, and people were looking at me funny when I started humming. And tapping out rhythms so I'd get the beats right. You know how there are keyboard commands to do things on the computer? I think I accidentally hit the one for refresh. And as I was typing this out in Hotmail, it refreshed itself to an empty compose message. Grrrr. Why would someone be stupid enough to work in Hotmail you ask? Because the iMacs were the only ones free, and they don't have Word. I was going to email it to myself, so I could save it at home and upload for your kareoke pleasure. So this is "I Will Provide" version 2. I think it is as close as I can remember to the first one. And also, the iMac did something funky in html, which I don't understand so I had to go through and cut out millions of little s and s and &s. Moral of the story: We must go on a quest to throw all iMacs into the Apple of Doom.


	10. And Then He Killed Me

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Author's note: Once again I don't own Gandalf (grr.) or the Balrog (phew!). Neither do I own or know The Crystals, who wrote "And Then He Kissed Me". I know I've got a few requests still to do, no worries, they are coming. And keep requesting out there! It gives me something to do to keep my mind of chemistry and other things. Oh, and if you've never read the Two Towers, this song is a spoiler. I probably should've put that on some of the others, but oh well. I get to be that kid who told you Santa was a joke. (But, for the record, the Easter Bunny is real!)

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--(Gandalf (who is now 'the White') is telling the story of what happened in Moria to Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli. He dances with much swirling of robes, and waggling of beard.)--

Well, he walked up to me and I said that he couldn't pass.  
He looked kinda mad as he said 'I'll kick your ass.'  
When we fought my staff was bright  
And we gave the Fellowship a fright  
It was getting black as night  
And then he killed me.

Then as we fell we fought and then he used his whip.  
I wanted to let him know that I would not take no lip.  
And then I was lots of pain  
So I called him Durin's Bane  
And he said I had nothing to gain  
And then he killed me.

He killed me in a way that I've never been killed before,  
He killed me in a way that left me a little sore.

I knew that I'd come back so I gave him all the fight that I had  
One day I saw an eagle, that sight made me really glad.  
Then he asked me if I wanted a ride  
The eagle said he thought I'd died.  
I told him all with one loud cry:  
"A Balrog killed me!"

I remember the fireside,  
The Fellowship that thought I'd died.  
I felt so happy I almost cried  
He didn't kill me.  
He didn't kill me.  
And then I killed he.


	11. I'm Isildur's Heir, I Am

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Author's Note: I know I still haven't posted those requests, but I couldn't let this one hide. It came to me whilst driving. Yes, they let me in a car. Beware! But anyway, more to the point, I almost went crazy trying to figure out why I didn't see this possibility before. And I don't own Herman's Hermits, or their song "I'm Henry the VIII, I Am" Oh, and by the way, I got my dialogue from the book, just in case anyone was confused.

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--(It is at the council of Elrond. Boromir has just said: "Who are you and what have you to do with Minas Tirith?" Before Elrond has chance to say "He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn" Aragorn jumps up and starts to sing)--

I'm Isildur's heir I am  
Isildur's heir I am, I am  
I'm descended from kings of Númenor  
And I've been named many times before  
But going back, it's still Isildur  
They call me Longshanks, or Strider to Sam  
Elfstone or Estel, I'm Aragorn,  
Isildur's heir I am.

Second verse same as the first!

--_(Gandalf and Elrond join in now and do back-up, because they were in on the secret all along)--_  
I'm Isildur's heir I am,  
Isildur's heir I am, I am._  
_He's descended from kings of Númenor  
And he's been named many times before  
But going back, it's still Isildur (Isildur)  
They call him Longshanks, or Strider to Sam (to Sam)  
Elfstone or Estel, he's Aragorn,  
Isildur's heir I am.

I'm Isildur's heir I am  
Isildur's heir I am, I am  
I'm descended from kings of Númenor  
And I've been named many times before  
But going back it's still Isildur (Isildur)  
They call me Longshanks, or Strider to Sam (to Sam)  
Elfstone or Estel, I'm Aragorn,  
Isildur's heir I am.

IS-IL-D-U-R  
Isildur (Isildur)  
Isildur (Isildur)  
Isildur's heir I am, I am  
Isildur's heir I am!  
Yeah!

__

--(Aragorn finishes standing in the middle of the table and looks very proud of himself. Boromir stares, mouth agape. You can see in his eyes he is thinking: 'This is the man who will reclaim mine and my father's kingdom? Eep!' Sam peeps out from under the table: "Well Mister Strider…." Ha can't find the words to express what he just witnessed.)-- 


	12. Ode to Glorfindel

--------

Author's Note: I'm sendin' this one out to someone special who has waited a long time for this: Miyako Inoue, Queen of Cheese! Yes, it may be clichéd, but as I said once before in one of these notes, everything calling itself oldies needs Elvis. I would now like to add a parallel statement to that: anything calling itself song parodies needs American Pie. If Weird Al can do it, I can do it. I haven't decided whether this is a parody of Don McLean's "American Pie" or Weird Al Yankovic's "The Saga Begins" so I'll just say I don't own either, (but I have both on CD! * hangs head * yes, I own a Weird Al CD) and you can decide which this is. I also don't own Glorfindel, but as Peter Jackson doesn't seem to want him, maybe there's some loophole that will let me take him…

--------

--_(this lovely little ballad is sung by yours truly, as a lament for dear Glorfindel. If you don't know who he is, shame on you! Go read the book, especially the 'Flight to the Ford' chapter of The Fellowship of the Ring)--_

A long long time ago  
I can still remember how that chapter used to make me glad  
Strider moving along with stealth  
Heard bells on the horse of that fair elf  
And maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

But December 19th made me shiver  
Peter Jackson did not deliver  
Bad news in the forest  
Of all Peter's cuts, the poorest.

I can't remember if I cried  
Although Asfaloth is still the ride  
But something touched me deep inside  
The day Glorfindel died

So bye-bye, my poor Glorfindel guy,  
Rode his horse-y on his course-y  
But that course was a lie  
And that old Arwen said "Hey Glori, bye-bye!"  
I'm singin' Glorfindel can never die,  
Glorfindel can never die.

Tolkien wrote the Flight to Ford  
And he did not give Arwen a sword.  
Male elves are great you know!  
Didn't Glori help with Frodo's pain?  
Although his part might not be main,  
I'll only see him in the book again.

You may say I'm obsessed with him,  
But without him things would've been so grim  
He was with them for three days:  
He kept Frodo out of his haze!

They were a lonely little group of five  
But with our Glorfindel, Frodo's still alive.  
In the movie Pete did us deprive.  
Of our Glorfindel guy.

I started singin'  
Bye-bye, my poor Glorfindel guy,  
Rode his horse-y on his course-y  
But that course was a lie  
And that old Arwen said "Hey Glori, bye-bye!"  
I'm singin' Glorfindel can never die,  
Glorfindel can never die.

Now if those five had been on their own,  
Frodo would've been dead as a stone.  
But that's not how it's supposed to be  
While the elf-lord pondered Frodo's hurt  
Asfaloth made Riders eat the dirt.  
And the cheers did come from you and me.

Oh, and while the horse was runnin' fast,  
Glorfindel stood strong till the last.  
Frodo had crossed the Ford  
Thanks to the great elf-lord.  
And while Jackson read a script so cut,  
He thought Tolkien was in a rut.  
And we sang dirges in a hut  
The day Glorfindel died

We were singing  
Bye-bye, my poor Glorfindel guy,  
Rode his horse-y on his course-y  
But that course was a lie  
And that old Arwen said "Hey Glori, bye-bye!"  
I'm singin' Glorfindel can never die,  
Glorfindel can never die.

Helter-skelter horsey ran for shelter,  
When Arwen comes out I want to belt her.  
She is no normal elven lass.  
But dear Glori could kick her ass  
He's a gentleman, he let it pass.  
But now Glorfindel's just a thing of the past.

Now the council time, his shining hour,  
He debated about the Ring's power.  
He said we have one choice,  
In that wonderful elven voice!  
And Erestor is now also gone,  
And Galdor too, they're up for pawn  
At least he kept our old Elrond,  
The day Glorfindel died

We started singin'  
Bye-bye, my poor Glorfindel guy,  
Rode his horse-y on his course-y  
But that course was a lie.  
And that old Arwen said "Hey Glori, bye-bye!"  
I'm singin' Glorfindel can never die,  
Glorfindel can never die.

Oh, and there they were all in one place,  
Sat in a circle, face to face  
With no time left to start again  
So come on, tell your news tell it quick,  
Glorfindel's time, it starts to tick.  
Sometimes I think I'm Glori's only friend.

Oh, and as I missed him on the stage  
My hands were clenched in fists of rage  
When Arwen showed up there,  
I almost tore my hair!  
And as the movie went into the night  
I thought about poor Glori's plight  
I won't let this go without a fight,  
My dear Glorfindel died.

I was singin'  
Bye-bye, my poor Glorfindel guy,  
Rode his horse-y on his course-y  
But that course was a lie  
And that old Arwen said "Hey Glori, bye-bye!"  
I'm singin' Glorfindel can never die,  
Glorfindel can never die.

I am a girl who sings the blues  
And I want to tell some happy news  
But my dear elf has gone away.  
I went down to the sacred store  
Where I'd bought my books years before  
And the man there said he agrees with what I say.

And in the streets the fans all screamed  
The purists cried, and sat and steamed  
But not a word was spoken,  
If we had we'd all be broken  
And the elf-lord I admire most  
My dear Glorfindel, (now a ghost)  
Met up with Jackson, now he's toast.  
The Glorfindel died

We started singin'  
Bye-bye, my poor Glorfindel guy,  
Rode his horse-y on his course-y  
But that course was a lie  
And that old Arwen said "Hey Glori bye-bye"  
I'm singin' Glorfindel can never die,  
Glorfindel can never die.  
I was singing bye-bye, my poor Glorfindel guy,  
Rode his horse-y on his course-y  
But that course was a lie  
And that old Arwen said "Hey Glori, bye-bye!"  
Singin' Glorfindel can never die.

-----  
Looking back, I've decided this needs an added note: I have nothing against Peter Jackson, he is a GENIUS! And I loved the movie. I know that not everything in the books could be put in. I just have a soft spot for Glorfindel, Glori to his friends. * smiles and points at self * Also, I know elves are immortal, so it's sorta hard for them to die, but it rhymed pretty. And if you want even MORE about Glori-dearest, he is in the Silmarillion. I hope my singing voice didn't crack your computer screens. Also: never before did I realise how long a song this is. Don McLean's is 7 minutes, and Weird Al's version of that is almost 4. This one is done to the music (all 7minutes!) of Don's, with help on the words/rhymes from Weird Al. Thanks you guys!  
-----


	13. (Theme From) The Nazgul

-------

Author's Note:Well, here we go again, back on the air! This one is for: angua27! A friend of mine pointed out that I don't have too many of the bad guys singing. That made me spend all of my chem lecture thinking it over. And yes, it is true. So here is the first part of righting that wrong. Short and sweet, because my chem midterm is coming and I really shouldn't have spent that class thinking this stuff over. But I did make a list in that class of 25+ songs! Thirteen are already up, and more are a-comin'! Before the fun starts: I don't own The Monkees, or the song "(Theme From) The Monkees", or the Nazgûl.

-------

__

--(We see the nine Nazgûl riding towards us in a line. We can't see their faces because of the hoods, but they seem pretty happy to us. Strangely happy in fact. Nazgûl aren't supposed to be happy, so it is doubly strange. But they're enjoying themselves so much they decide to sing a song. Here it is)--

Here we come,  
Riding down the street,  
We get the funniest looks from  
Everyone we meet.

Hey, hey, we're the Nazgûl,  
And people say we scare them to death,  
But we're too busy searching  
For that little golden ring.

We're just doing it for the Dark Lord.  
The one with the eye of fire.  
We're all looking for "Baggins"  
We know he lives in the Shire.

Hey, hey, we're the Nazgûl,  
And people say we scare them to death,  
But we're too busy searching  
For that little golden ring  
Hey, hey, we're the Nazgûl...  
Hey, hey, we're the Nazgûl...


	14. Our Flet

----- 

Author's Note: YAAAAY! The evil chemistry exam is over, and I don't have to write another one till April, so more time for me to spend thinking these lil'guys up. Lucky you! To get me back into the swing of things, after intensive entropy and enthalpy studies, a nice slow, simple one: "Our House" by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. I own neither of those, and I also don't own Tolkien's characters. I also want to take this opportunity to say that Haldir is my favourite elf name, and because of that he is a special and wonderful elf.

-----

__

--(Haldir and his brothers Rúmil and Orophin are up in a tree in Lothlorien, in their "talan" or "flet". They are one guard duty tonight. To break the boredom, Haldir starts to sing a song)--

I'll get my bow,  
You pull the ladder up here and  
We can guard tonight.

Staring at the trees  
For hours and hours  
While I listen to you  
Play with your bow  
Waiting for the orcs,  
For the orcs.

You listen now!  
I can hear a company coming,  
They're within our wood,  
This cannot be good.  
We're told to give them shelter tonight  
Even the dirty dwarf  
We'll give them supper too,  
Supper too.

Our flet is a very, very fine flet  
With a big hole in the floor  
So we don't need a door.  
Now you are safe from danger,  
'Cause of us.  
And our flet is a very, very fine flet  
With a big hole in the floor  
So we don't need a door.  
Now you are safe from danger,  
'Cause of us.

I'll get my bow,  
You pull the ladder up here and  
We can guard tonight.


	15. Your Ring

-----

Author's Note: Here is one of my favourite Elton John songs, yes BurningTyger he is "oldies" enough. This one's for you! I don't own Elton John, his song "Your Song" or any of Tolkien's works. I make no money from this. Although, if you feel like paying me, I accept all forms of cash, credit cards or raw gold/silver/diamonds/rubies etc.

-----

__

--(Boromir is sitting at the council, listsening to everyone talk about what to do with the ring. We can hear his inner thoughts, and strangely enough, he thinks in song….)--

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside  
I'm not one of those, who can easily hide  
But this inner struggle, is hurting my mind,  
I could save Gondor, with that little find.

__

--(He gets up and tells the council what he thinks they should do with it. They are confused, because not only was he sitting at the other end of the room humming to himself, now he sings his suggestion!)--

That curious halfling, holds Isildur's bane!  
If we use it against Sauron, think what we could gain.  
I know it's corrupt, but it's power's so strong  
We'll use it for good, and it can't go wrong.

And I could tell everybody, I saved the world  
Gondor and Rohan, see my banner unfurled.  
I know it's your ring, I know it's your ring  
But I just want to try  
How powerful I'd be, if we beat the Eye!

__

--(At Parth Galen, Boromir is thinking again, while following Frodo away from the camp.)--

I sat in the boat and thought it all through  
Well this isn't something, that I'd usually do.  
Well I have decided to get me that ring,  
And when I win the war, we'll hear trumpets sing.

So excuse me for pleading, but these things I do  
You see I've demanded, this lil'trinket from you  
Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean…  
You are the bravest hobbit I've ever seen.

__

--(sniffle…poor dear Boromir. His heart was in the right place. * sniffles again * that song does this to me!)--


	16. Entmoot

-----

Author's Note: I'm back! Maybe I should call this my comeback tour. Oh well, to kick my new spring season (it's almost here, give me a break!) my favourite song of all time: "Moondance"! By Van Morrison. Which I only own on CD, unfortunately. I would give anything to own Van, and have him pop out of a box and sing whenever I want…but I digress. My favourite song could only be sung by my favourite character (and it helped that the song already mentioned trees a lot) Treebeard! When I first read LotR, the ents were the creatures I wanted to find most. I wanted to meet an ent, I believed I would, or could, if I tried. But I digress again. * takes her anti-digressants * I own nothing. Enjoy.

-----

__

--(At the start of the Entmoot, Treebeard needs to get the ents attention. Instead of hoom-ing and hum-ing, we see the jazzier side of ol'Fangorn)—

Well it's a marvelous night for an entmoot,  
With the stars shining down on our boughs.  
A fantabulous night to make our plans,  
In the morning the ents shall be roused.  
And all the leaves on the trees are falling  
To the sound of the ents going "Hoom!"  
And we're going to march, it's our calling  
To bring Isengard's watery doom.

You know you two hobbits, seemed to start this all up,  
You know when I saw you and I just- picked you up!  
Can you just take these two hobbits with you-Quickbeam?  
Can the hobbits just take a walk with you-Quickbeam?

__

--(The ents are suitable roused, and are heading to off to Isengard, for a talk with "young Saruman". There's hoom-ing and hom-ing and ta-runda runda runda romm-ing, until Treebeard starts to sing ye olde Ent marching song)--

Well I wanna march on to war tonight,  
I can't wait till the morning has come  
And I know now the time is just right,  
and straight into Isengard we'll run.  
And when we come he will not expect us,  
I'll make sure our attack's a surprise.  
There and then all my dreams will come true, yeah  
I will look into Tree-killer's eyes.

And everytime I see his orcs, I just squash them down.  
Saruman better watch out, the ents- are in town!  
Maybe after this, they'll come back, oh yeah-Entwives!  
Maybe then they'll see we just want them back-Entwives!

__

--(all this talk about the Entwives has inspired the Ents, so they stop for a jam session. Luckily, the song has reached the instrumental. It is the return of the Ent band! Quickbeam takes over the piano solo. On a piano made entirely of oliphaunt tusk. Anything else would be murder! Treebeard shows us his prowess on the saxophone, then starts up the song and the march again)--

Well it's a marvelous night for an ent march,  
With the stars shining down on our boughs.  
A fantabulous night to fill our plans,  
It is morning the ents are all roused.  
And all the leaves on the trees are falling  
To the sound of the ents going "Hoom!"  
And we're about to start, it's our calling  
To bring Isengard's watery doom.

__

--(after Isengard is suitably water-logged, and Gandalf has arrived, he and Treebeard talk. And Treebeard explains what roused the ents)--

You know those two hobbits, seemed to start this whole thing,  
I understand now, Gandalf tells me- 'bout the ring!  
Can you two hobbits just find a place to stay –That's safe?  
Can you two hobbits stay out of the way- Be safe!  
We got our plans all straight... at the entmoot.  
Our ideas did fruit......  
At the entmoot:  
"Give Saruman the boot!"  
Our plans took shape at the old Entmoot- Gandalf.


	17. Balrog's GOt a Brand New Whip

-----

Author's Note: I'm catching up slowly…the other half of my brain made me start another set of songs, so now the two sides of my head are working parallel to each other. Gelyndanar, you asked for some Motown? Oh I got Motown. Mulberry's got a brand new song! Yeah! I don't own James Brown (what a shame!) or his song "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" or the Balrog. PS: If you want more songs, check out my newest venture: "The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Rings" * cough-shamelessplug-cough * 

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--_(We see the Fellowship in the Mines of Moria, all but Gandalf are across the bridge, when we hear a voice coming from behind….and see a firey creature… Ai Ai! A Balrog! But this ain't no ordinary Balrog, oh no. This is the Balrog that sings with his soul! Yeah.)--_

Come here wizard....Balrog's in the deep.   
Ain't too nice ...you woke him from his sleep.   
Ain't no slip,  
Balrog's got a brand new whip!   
  
Come here Gandy....Fellowship shall not pass   
I'm an inferno....fires givin' off some gas  
Ain't no slip,   
Balrog's got a brand new whip!   
  
I'm makin' it crack....   
I'm makin' it fly   
Don't play me cheap 'cause you know I ain't shy   
I'm doing the Pyre, the Conflagration, Gandalf, man, See you later alligator. 

  
Come here, wizard   
Balrog's in the swing.   
I ain't too hip now,   
but I can dig my chasm babe;   
It ain't no slip   
I got a brand new whip   
  
Oh Frodo! I'm fallin' down.   
Frodo...I'm fallin' down.   
He's using his staff ... makes me laugh.   
I'm doing the Pyre ev'ry day and ev'ry night   
The thing's...like the Boomerang.   
Hey...come on   
Hey! Hey...come on   
Hey! Hey...he's put tight...out of sight...   
Come on. Hey! Hey!


	18. Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

-----

Author's Note: and now, the long-awated, much anticipated pardoy of "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes"! Herodias, I'm sorry I made you wait soooo long. I feel terrible, but I didn't think I knew the song. Then I listened closer to the words of a song I knew on the radio, and I realised I did know it all along. Amazing how some songs go by I never notice some words. I feel completely silly. But all that aside, I don't own Lord of the Rings, The Platters, or their song "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes".

-----

--_(We see Merry talking to Pippin. He is telling his friend of a conversation he had with someone on his adventures after they were separated. Is it a part of a conversation he had with Théoden in Rohan? We may never know…)--._

He asked me why I do;  
For him, pipes are new.  
I of course replied:  
"Cravings here inside   
Cannot be denied."  


I said: "The stems are long,  
So things don't go wrong,   
When your pipe's on fire  
you must realise  
Smoke gets in your eyes"  


So I chaffed him and I gaily laughed  
'Cause they didn't know a pipe.  
Yet today I used my last pipeweed  
I cannot have a pipe.  


Now laughing friends deride  
Tears I cannot hide  
So I smile and say:  
"When a lovely flame dies,  
Smoke gets in your eyes  
Smoke gets in your eyes."


	19. Fellowship of Nine

-----

Author's Note: Well, it's been some time. Less than a month though! Although, not much less than a month….And not all of that time has been idle. I have searched every lyrics engine I know on the Internet for 'Midnight Confession' Lionel Dark, and I can't find it. The annoying thing is I feel I should know it. Angelic01, I know the song you're talking about, but I don't know all of the words, and I can't find it on the net. I've been looking up "Big Spender", "Hey Big Spender" and Shirley Bassey, but no luck. I have an idea for a different Shirley Bassey song though… Val, I appreciate your review, but this is all oldies, and Adam Sandler is not oldies I'm afraid. He was born around the time people were singing these songs. And Jet Dragon? This one's for you, buddy!! I don't own Tolkien, The Clovers or "Love Potion #9"

-----

--_(Aragorn sings what he's been through since Bree)--  
_I took the hobbits down to Rivendell.  
You know that place of which the stories tell.  
We jumped over some trees, and swung from a vine.  
When we were escaping from Sauron's black riding Nine.

--_(Gandalf takes over from him, and explains the time and careful decision making that went into choosing the Fellowship)--_  
Told Elrond we didn't know what to do.  
We could all be gone before this is through.  
He looked at my staff and he made a magic sign  
He said "You shall go as the Fellowship of Nine"

He stood up and turned around and gave me a win  
He said "I'm gonna choose them all before you can think."  
Left me to wonder who would end up our weakest link.

I had a glass of elven wine, I took a drink  
I didn't think that it would take all night.  
The elves and dwarves had started up a fight.  
But when Elrond had decided our little group was fine.  
I couldn't stand to hear about the Fellowship of Nine.

I filled my glass of elven wine, I took a drink.  
I didn't think that it would take all night.  
The elves and dwarves had started up a fight.  
I got so bored that I made him let Pippin come.  
Now we've left I guess we are the Fellowship on the run.

The Fellowship of Nine  
The Fellowship of Nine  
The Fellowship of Nine


	20. Green Dragon

-----

Author's Note: I don't own Eric Burdon, The Animals, or their song "House of the Rising Sun". Hopefully this will start a new wave of updates for me, seeing as university will end on April 5…. Then I'll have mucho time on my hands. At last. Oh, and I also don't own Tolkien or any of his creations.

-----

__

--(we see the interior of a pub. There is a very drunk hobbit in one corner, who starts singing.)--

There is a house in Hobbiton   
They call the Green Dragon.  
And it's been the ruin of many a hobbit,  
Eru, I know I'm one.

My mother was a baker,  
She made a mean seed bun.  
My father was a gardenin' man,  
Way down in Hobbiton.

Now the only thing a gardenin' man needs is:  
some clippers, a trowel and a hoe.  
And the only time he's satisfied  
Is when the flowers grow.

Oh mother, tell your children,  
Not to do what I have done.  
Spend your lives in sin and misery.   
Drinkin' pints in the Green Dragon.

Well I've got one foot on the table,  
the other foot on the chair.  
I'm so drunk I'll sing a fine song,   
And show off my foot hair....

There is a house in Hobbiton   
They call the Green Dragon.  
And it's been the ruin of many a hobbit,  
Eru, I know I'm one.


End file.
